Its true..I have demons inside me.. and sometimes they need to speak..

2 terms down, one to go!

2009-03-26T15:28:06Z

Term 2 finishes in a week and this term I cant WAIT to go home. Honestly, I miss the familiar, being able to actually go places other than where i live, and my friends that know me so incredibly well.
Im now feeling as though the things I could say without a care at the start of term are now taken personally which then makes me feel awkward because i dont want to say anything. I hate feeling so uncomfortable in my own house!
This makes me even happier that I am moving out next year and even more so that Im moving into a flatlet with lovely lovely George :) <3
So whats new?
This beached whale has managed to shimmy herself into the water and has started going swimming again to get some exercise. Its currently week 2, lets see how long that lasts for.
This project is almost over and I cant wait to start the next one! ahhhh.
Theres an amazing retro party this weekend which should be a barrel of laughs, at my new house (next years house). Mmmm..
Had a lecture today by Junko Mori, she is such an incredible artist and so straight forward with the things she says! I couldnt quite believe it. Such an inspiration, especially when she said somethings which I could really relate to!
Anyway, I have yet more work to do etc etc.
Sorry Im such a boring fart these days!
x x

Elevated happiness! (prt 2)

2008-12-19T16:02:52Z

So i might have accidently clicked something that meant the last blog was posted. Oopsies!
I have met some pretty amazing people, especially George. I love spending time with him :) and being my usual insane self without a worry of scaring him away! its ace. Hes ace.
I could probably talk about him for ages, so I guess I should revert back to a general overview!
Already this house feels so lonely, and im just waiting for Alex or Gaz or Holl to walk in with a bit of banter, except they wont cos theyre no longer here. Bummer.
Well I guess, although I do want to write more, I should go, since work beckons in half an hours time!
There will be more at a future time, I promise
Lu x x

Elevated happiness!

2008-12-19T15:57:08Z

This term of uni/art college has been absolutely immense. I have learnt so much about myself, about others, I guess about life in general.
Im now sat here, with one of two of my remaining housemates (who havent yet gone home for christmas) and Im feeling quite weird. I feel that kind of happiness, when youre so happy that you could cry and yet at the same time I could cry because Im sad to leave this place behind and these people, although it is only for two weeks.

Reflections, life and dreams

2008-11-26T12:23:13Z

I have changed so much over the past couple of months, - by changed I actually mean was able to be completely who i am. This house, these people, university, the freedom to say and think and do what i want whenever i want to. This is life, and i havent lived it so fully until now.
I have found a boy who is so close to being perfect it scares me slightly, knowing that at any point things could change and that I might lose it. Because of this I am making the most of everything and enjoying it as much as i can.
I have realised that my happiness is the most important thing in my life, as selfish as it sounds. By that I mean that instead of feeling unfulfilled and that i cant speak my mind I have realised that its better to have people hate you for who you are than like you for something youre not because then they can never be your real friends.
I have laughed, I have cried, Ive shouted, Ive said and done ridiculous things but these people stand by me, look after me when im unwell and genuinely care.
I feel so happy that i have a constant smile glued to my face and i float along the streets with my head up in the clouds.
I hope things never change but after all change is inevitable.
I cant stay on top of the world forever
x x x

silver spectrums

2008-07-08T23:37:08Z

I've been spending so much time with the boys recently that people are either going to think:
a) Im a big dirty lesbian
or
b) Im sleeping with at least one or maybe all of them.

But to be honest, I don't think i could care any less! They make me feel no different to them at all - one of 'the lads'. I find it quite amusing considering that sometimes when im with the girls I feel so much of an outcast. Anyway.
Had another immense weekend in newcastle! Feeling like im starting to open up to Sallie's little family now, its nice. In fact, everytime i come home i am hit with an overwhelming depression that hangs about for a few days like a gloomy rain cloud. I think its because I feel so free and I can do what I want when i feel like it when im not at home. When Im at home im trapped, I have to live by other peoples rules, wear the dress of their expectations and live up to their morals. I need to escape. I need to get away. If only october would come sooner!
We hung out at the wreck today. Its funny that me and phil found the same bridge still scary even after 9 yrs or so have passed and its not even that high anymore. I miss swinging on the monkey bars, and getting as high as i possibly could on the swings with not a care in the world and a smile on my chubby little face. Ive realised that with age things become more serious and scary and i spend every day wishing to go to when the only thing I cared about was what colour crayon to use or which toys to play with.
I need to accept that Im never going to get them back.
I need to accept that its down to me to be carefree and make the most of life.
Yet I still find myself sitting here, missing it all and not doing anything to make things better.
The sky is now grey outside my bedroom window, and everyone is asleep. I feel more alone than I have in a long time even though I know my sister is awake across the way and my parents are only in the room next to me. I wish I had someone to talk to about ridiculous things like how Im feeling but I don't. So this is where my thoughts and anxieties end up. Unread, unacknowledged for only me to reflect on.
Until later days
yours,
Lulu

24 weeks is a long time!

2008-07-03T00:40:25Z

Im back! from outer space it seems!
Everything is back on track and I am once again completely content with everything, it could not be better if I wished it to be.
Im off to Hereford college of art to do contemporary applied arts in october! well excited. Got a distinction for foundation too which was a major high!
I will miss the foundies too much to describe now that its all over. I think i do already, actually.
Ive had some pretty amazing adventures these past few weeks, ska beats, alcohol highs, one night stands, (though I never thought I would ever ever say that!) sun tans, laughs and smiles. I realised that as Im getting older im becoming completely content with the single life, not having to rely on anyone and not feeling upset and let down. I do what I want to do, when i want to do it. After all, the only person who can never truely let you down is yourself. Im slowly discovering who I am as well, which is just as well! Andrew wants me back but how am I supposed to tell him that I feel nothing for him? I don't have the heart, which is slightly ironic. He'll get over me soon enough, and find someone mint and wonder why the hell he ever went out with me in the first place.
Currently listening to one of those songs that always makes you smile, no matter how you are feeling, and also makes you think about everything - all the good times, excitement, adventures, how you've grown. Its Seventeen - Jimmy eat world. Why are there so many songs about being 17? i think because it is actually one of the best years ever. Saying that though, being 19 is pretty immense! Maybe even the best. My normal face which used to be frownlike and sad now seems to have been replaced by a permanent smile and a glimmer in my eyes.
So thank you sunshine, music, alcohol and good times. You have made my absolute year. Plus, obviously, the friends that I love too much and the banter we share.
This has been one of the best years of my life
With all the love in my heart,
This is lulu, once again, reporting from the top of the world

pessimisticpixi @ 2008-01-14T22:04:00

2008-01-14T22:18:20Z

SO its been absolutely ages, and a lot has happened, but i havent felt like writing about it at all. I dont know why.
I split up with andrew, to put it briefly. Although now I feel like theres still something there. Sort of upsets me a bit actually because its not like i dont like him anymore, its just that I know what Im doing is the right thing for both of us.
Im 19 now, and feeling not very much like myself - despite having a brilliantly celebrated birthday.
I really can't wait to go to university as well, I miss everyone who is already there and the more stuff goes on at home the more I cant wait to get away and leave it all behind. I have two interviews next week and absolutely bricking myself! hopefully they will go smoothly though.
Well, on a very negative vibe I guess, considering im not in the right mood to write, ill end it there.
Hopefully ill feel like writing sometime soon
much love
lucille x

pessimisticpixi @ 2007-11-08T22:01:00

2007-11-08T22:13:03Z

So at this moment I feel really confused. I dont know what I want anymore and I cant decide which direction to travel in. I feel, like I want to dive under my duvet and get away from my life for a while so that when i get back ill have a clear head and feel happy about everything.
Sad thing is, I cant.
Its like a battle under my skin that has got so out of control I dont know whos fighting on what side anymore. Its something I cant exactly put into words but as you can see im trying. Its like that horrible anxious feeling you get that you cant shake, in your stomach like a tonne of bricks weighing you down and making you think about that event over and over again until youve thought about it so much its all muddled like a foreign language you dont understand. This is why Im going to go to bed and attempt to sleep and hope that i will wakeup in the morning with a clean mind and contentment with where I am. However unlikely it may be. I might just have to wait for things to sort themselves out.
Adios

pessimisticpixi @ 2007-10-30T09:39:00

2007-10-30T09:50:38Z

Ive been so busy with my life ive had no time to write about it!
At the moment I feel an air of unease under everything which seems to be so good again.
lots of stuff has happened (again, its becoming another cliche) for example, one of my good friends from school is pregnant yet still expecting to be able to go to university next year. Pretty much everyone else has gone off or back to uni again and Ive only just got used to the fact that ive been left behind. Saying that though, the no uni crew is growing more steadily every day and this wednesday is our first proper outing together. Amy is also coming home this week and I cant wait for a little bit of innocence in my life! She is so incredibly naive but it is lovely. I bet she has loads of gossip to give me from Chester as well. Louise said she is coming home in about 3 weeks or so too. I think I miss her the most because she seems the person who is the most on my wavelength.
Work is going well, Ive been at morrisons almost 10 weeks now and with an appraisal coming up soon i have to try and keep myself on track.
Speaking of unis, i still havent decided where i want to go yet. its worrying me because I dont want to ruin my life by doing the wrong thing or going to the wrong place. ahh
Liz had another one of her wild parties on saturday, it felt really nice yet at the same time wrong because I seemed to be the centre of attention. I didnt like it that much, especially when thinking back on it. Got to see some people I havent seen in a while though, and meet for the first time some people ive never met. Now however, I feel a little bit under the weather and I cant wait to go home and finally catch up on some rest. Hope I havent caught lizs disease! ahhh
Time really does go too quickly. I remember vividly this time last year, and infact even more so this time two years ago when everything was beginning to end and in itself starting to begin. I cant believe how much I have grown up and realised how childish I have been in the past, and before this gets too philosophical, I better call it a day.

Summer is heart shaped

2007-08-28T21:22:37Z

I cant believe how much time has gone by and how little history ive left on this little blog. This summer Ive been to Glasgow, London, Kent, Newquay and Leeds festival! On top of that Ive been working, going to closer places like newcastle and darlington, getting my a level results, partying hard and doing a summer art project. At least i dont feel like Ive wasted the summer this year! Although, it hasnt exactly been a summery summer.
Quite pleased with my A level results, came away with:
A levels:
A - textiles
B - English literature
C - Biology
AS levels:
B - General studies
B - critical thinking
D - music tech
Sooo, im off to enrol again at QE for my final year, doing art foundation. Then hopefully I'll be off and away to uni somewhere new and exciting!
Lots of stuff has happened, but cant really recall it all.
At leeds festival we were Sweden and it was that amazing that i feel strongly patriotic about sweden (Although if I moved there i would probably think that it is gay and nothing like the new found sweden we created). We started off at war with neighbouring Japan and South Africa, soon to make peace with Japan after a few days. I love leeds sooo much. I think I bum it.
London Kent and Newquay were all kind of linked into one big road trip which Andrew and I did in his mini. That was one fab holiday! Travelled down to London with all the mini crew, and camped just on the outskirts of London. We saw the new simpsons film and also went into Camden for a day which was dead good. We ate gorgeous Sweet and sour chicken and noodles there :) yummmyyyy. Then after a night of drinking we mished to Kent for 3 days of Southern Mini days which was alot like leeds but with cars - so needless to say, it was pretty immense. After that all the mini crew went their seperate ways, Andrew and i heading to newquay for a week which was brilliant - I would defo like to go back there at some point in my life.
Soooo yes. Now I have less than a week to finish a whole art project, which is a bit stressful - oh - also Ive just got a job at morrisons! so Im working an induction on saturday toooo.. eeek!
So now, I reckon this will be the end of this blog, as I sip my rosé like the classy bird I am, and sit by myself in the comfort of my own rather wild room, thinking about how happy I am and how I hope that it will stay like this for a long long time.
This is Lulu, reporting to you from the top of the world
Over and out

We spent the evening unpacking books from boxes

2007-04-19T21:21:09Z

I dont think I have written for a while and this sentence is beginning to turn into a cliche. I think I say it everytime I write an entry.
Anyway, what has happened?
Im not sure. A few people have started to irritate me slightly recently but ive decided not to let it get me down, considering I only have about a month left at college before exams and stuff.
No, I think the main thing I have to write about are my feelings about my life at the moment. When im around my friends or andrew or even my family I feel happy like I have everything that anyone could ever want. Financially stable, a wonderful boyfriend, amazing friends, a family who are loving and caring and are always there for me. Theres nothing missing right?
But when Im alone I start to think that Im kidding myself and everyone else, like Im putting an act on for all to see. What is wrong with me? I dont understand. And then I cry. It happens quite alot, Im starting to worry myself. One day in the easter holidays I spent the whole time crying and when my ma asked me what had made me upset I told her that I didnt know, nothing had. But my god I couldnt stop crying.

Moving on from that, I had a really good night out at andrews on saturday but i wont go into the details...
Arrr I cant write.
Im not in the mood.
Maybes later when i have something decent to write.
x x x

Dont hold back

2007-03-01T22:53:05Z

I think ive left it a week or two or maybe even three without writing so I have some things to write down.
Before half term I got a water infection, and then an allergic reaction to the antibiotics i was on - the joy. so much pain! any one who has never had a water infection, you are so incredibly lucky! I got different antibiotics anyways, after that.
Over the half term I went skiing with andrew and family, and I really enjoyed it. The first day was really solid and i was about ready to give up, but andrew stood by me pushing me on, giving me motivation - motivation that i needed. By the end of the day I could manage it fine, and the second day of skiing was fab. on the thursday we went to inverness shopping, although i didnt really purchase anything. And then on the night andrew and I went out for a meal, it wasnt romantic or anything although he did say some really nice things that made me smile :) and then we went out to sample the delights of aviemores night life which I much add, isnt much at all!
After almost a week with andrew i didnt reckon he'd want to see me much if at all at the weekend, but surprisingly i saw him on saturday night, and he stayed at my house. It was really good/nice. Even if he did fall out with me for a while because i made him smell coffee! eesh what a nut. Sooo that monday, I was back at college. Ive been working solidly in my frees which is surprising even me! And, even more suprisingly, i enjoy it. I get a buzz off studying!
Last night I went bowling on a double date, me andrew louise and jonny. That was also a good night! I thought that someone had weed in my bowling shoes - it was just shoe freshener. Andrew and Jonny decided, being boys, that they would give each of us a name to make up a word on the bowling computer screen. So:
Jonny was     Fiona
Andrew was Andrew
I was               Rita
And louise,    Terrence
So you can see what word that made up! hah! it was hilarious. I also fell down a ramp - i thought that was impossible?
Despite this, I got three strikes in the first game with a grand total of 112 points. Andrew however, forgetting to inform me that he was a pro bowler, got 140, with the sides down. Eeessh. Shows me up at every sport!
After the bowling we went to the sportsman, this was at about 10pm. Some of the class people were still there though, including phil who was so incredibly smashed that he couldnt get over the fact that I had appeared and kept saying that I had made his day!
Welll i cant really make all of this sound interesting, Sooo i reckon ill be off to catch some sleep since i didnt get to bed until late last night!
Au revior,
Lu x x x x

I no longer hear the music

2007-02-06T20:44:22Z

My eyes are red sore from crying frantically. I don’t even understand how I got so emotional over something so foolish, so childish.
Issue number 1:
My friends are getting to me a bit at the moment. Fair enough, a bit of banter, a bit of a piss take. but when its constant, and things which arent even funny. It gets to me a bit. I'll admit, Im probably quite over sensitive but I dont enjoy being the joke constantly. Feeling a bit like I cant rely on many people, feel like I cant wait for the holidays so i can sort myself out and everything will get back to normal as alot of people have commented on how ive been different recently. Ive been quite angry today and freaked myself out at my anger when tonight i threw something across the table.
Issue number 2:
Isnt really an issue. I just miss the time when andrew used to want to talk to me alot, when he used to text me just to ask me how i was and how my day had been. When id stay at his til 3 in the morning just cuddled up and talking. When everything was exciting. As much as I sound like a wimp, I do miss that, but then I guess its something you have to accept when youve been going with someone a long time. Everything loses its magic, and it doesnt matter how nice the guy is. Im slowly getting attached and holding back, because i dont know if he feels the same or not. He claims he does, but sometimes hes so insensitive i cant really tell. thats another thing, I wish that when Im upset, he would at least try to understand instead of taking the tone that obviously im overreacting and that if theres been an argument its my fault just because im female. All i want is a bit of comfort, for him to show me that he cares. Am I asking too much? I dont know.
Issue number 3:
my little sister. I have a world of respect for her, ive never beaten her, I stick up for her, I lend her my things, I help her out. what do i get in return? her walking all over me treating me like shit, not respecting me at all - infact the complete opposite. I dont think she actually cares one bit. She enraged me tonight, ma said she was worried about me so i told her how i felt and emily butted in with something completely different claiming 'it was all about me' - when i get the tiniest bit of attention she feels jelous. spoilt child.
Thats all there is to it. Sometimes I get a bit sick of being me - that old tiresome cliche that noone understands me fully. But truely, thats how I feel. I feel theres some things deep down which noone knows about me and noone seems to understand where im coming from most of the time. Lost in translation, although we speak the same language. I have an easy life in comparision to other people, but how I wish it was easier sometimes. x x x

News update

2007-02-05T19:24:22Z

sooo what has happened? Already a month has passed! Im now 18 WOOOHOOOOOOOO a legal drunkard!
Me and andrew are still good. Had a few bad times though, not really involving him - other people..
anyway, lets not dwell. Had an alright weekend really, didnt do any college work at all! so im feeling a bit guilty now..
Thursday night
After finishing my textiles coursework I popped round to my local pub (not that there arent many local, just by local I mean the one which is literally on my doorstep!) , the green tree to see tom, back from london and fish also made an appearance! it was a good hour or so. And I had my best game of pool ever. When I say that, I mean that fish kept trying to snooker me and i kept managing to hit my ball and amazing them both with my flukey genius. I was sooo proud. I won a few games as well :) then i went to bed and woke up on friday with a really bad voice :(
Friday night
Went to Jess's 18th celebrations. Was an alright night, we couldnt dance though - nowhere to do it! there was a bed in the niddle of the room though... strange. We were amazed with the UV lighting! my red beads turned white, and so did louises eyes and teeth so she looked like some kind of vampire beast! Legend. Ron was there, havent seen him in a while but I was also feeling quiet uncomfortable considering our past.. uhhhh. Lets not go there!
It was a good night mainly because amy was driving and we didnt have to rely on parents taking us to and fro! We got pizza, and laughed at how the cheese was so springy! and some fell on the floor hahaha. We then got chatted up by some scottish middle aged drunks which was hilarious - Louise thought they called us 'screaming banshees' and amy thought something else, but I was sure he shouted 'which one of you wear panties' ha. Drunkards! we then went to abys for a cup of tea (or orange juice in louises case!) and had a giggle because louise and amy think lukes crotch is huge - however I said I dont often look at boys crotches! haha we then mished home.
Saturday
Saw andrew for a bit. It was nice, ive actually been missing him. we went down bish and I made him buy a really nice shirt! haha. eee what an influence i am! annnd I bought some toffee for my pa's birthday, and a card. Andrew joked about marriage - he knows im not interested in getting married yet so he was taking the piss out of me but secretly I know he agrees with me completely. I then had a nice soak in the tub and got ready for louises get together!
Saturday night
Louises get together. Me and alisha walked down to asda to get some supplies first. I saw him and so started laughing along with Alisha to prove that Im having a class time without him. Im sure he looked at me out of the corner of my eye, i hope he realises that im much better off without him. Dickhead.
Actually, once we got to louises i didnt have much fun. Fair enough, getting the piss taken out of me I can deal with - to an extend. Eventually it got so much I just stopped speaking. I got mocked because I said 'feb' instead of february, which can i say I didnt find very funny at all. fair enough if id said something completely stupid - i would have laughed too, but it was childish. I went with amy to drop abys phone off just so i could get out a bit, I think people might have got annoyed because we were a while talking to aby and stuff, and didnt get back until half 11. My ma was in a mood, I went straight to bed.
Sunday
Went to newcastle for my dads birthday, visited the baltic. it was good, but i felt lousy and laura and emily left me out loads as usual - asking to go down to the next floor and stuff, didnt want me to go with them. I slept all the way home cos i was shattered!
sunday night
Andrew came up for a bit. We sat in the sitting room and watched csi with my parents, and i brought in my pas cake with candles, lit. It was nice how my family could get on with my boyfriend. then we went upstairs for a bit of alone time ;) it was nice. :)
The end!
College today hasnt been too exciting, and im off for tea now, toodle pip!
Lu x x

Ooh la la!

2007-01-02T16:17:58Z

Welll happy 2007! a brand new year. a brand new start, and I just cant wait for all the exciting things that are going to happen this year :)
I went out last thursday again with the guys, and got completely smashed. It wasnt even funny how wrecked I was, I cant remember getting home and I remember crying for some reason!. Eeee. Apparently a few of my friends had to carry me back and open my door for me and stuff and I was just shouting random words at them and I woke up on friday on the couch. It was horrible. I was sick all friday morning and we had to meet up with the family as well which wasnt great!
My ma kept telling everyone how id been out getting wrecked and stuff and I felt soo ashamed - why did she even have to tell them anyway?!
Anyway.. after meeting the family I went to sleep and didnt get up until about 10 the next day, It was like a two day hangover as well. On the saturday I went to darlington with Louise shopping and it was really good. We went to billy bunters for lunch where she had an egg mayonnaise sandwich that was soo full she didnt quite know how to eat it, and I had cheese scone - which is a Billy bunters tradition. We also had chips. It was good craic - we laughed because louise asked me if hospital was a word, and because the prawn sandwich was called 'saucy prawns' and she took a photo of it because she'd just got a brand new phone. Then we saw matthew moralee at the bus stop and had a rather funny journey home.
On the night I stayed at andrew's house since I hadnt seen him for a while. It was one of the best nights Ive had in a while, and looking back on it it makes me smile. I dont really think you want to know what went on, but I thought it was perfect.
New years celebrations
I went to squares house to celebrate the new year, accompanied by andrew. macnair, (ginger friend of andrews) was also there. He loves my mother, so lots of jokes related to that went down all night! For instance, andrew said that my ma was coming up later on, but she actually wasnt ever going to come up. So all night macnair kept asking me when she was coming and I kept telling him "SHES NOT!!" eeee.
Everyone played pictionary, boys vs girls. It was pretty hilarious some of the drawings that were being done! and we all watched the count down until the new year.
We all sang at midnight and hugged and wished each other all the best, and then square, squares dad, and squares brother, played some songs together - what a musical family! andrew was of course singing at the top of his voice! ahaha. I danced with squares dad at one point as well. Good craic.
I stayed at andrews that night as well because it is literally 2 seconds from squares house, like behind it. We didnt go to sleep until 4 and I was incredibly tired. We also, didnt get up until after 12 the next day! and for once I didnt feel bad due to the excess of alcohol that I had drunken the night before, since I ate alot of buffet and stopped drinking once my bottle of southern comfort was gone!
Then on new years day night I went around to see liz and played with her chocolate fountain! it was good because I dont get to talk to her much. I came home to monty python's the life of brian and two games of cards. You can never beat a game of cards!
now that we're sort of up to date!..
today I havent done very much, apart from work work work!
So nothing very interesting there!
So Ill be off I reckon, to finish my clothes washing and room tidying.
Adios amigos!
x x x x x x x x x x

Christmas cheer

2006-12-26T23:00:20Z

So its boxing day now, and christmas has been quite good :) though I didnt really feel a build up, and christmas eve didnt feel magical at all! :( but still.. i got some pretty unusual but class presents! :)
I got a belt with bottle tops on it, and the fastener is actually a bottle opener! its pure genius, I love it to bits.
Andrew also got me a cool present. I got: some wine, a little mini keyring, some lego earrings, a lego braclet, some rubix cube earrings, the feelings self titled cd, amongst other things. Im so pleased, and relieved!
He also seemed to like his present.. so not too bad I guess? phew!
Been to the metro centre today, shopping. I bought a zippy jacket (mens, but its a lovely blue colour! and because its mens im an XS so i feel good! lol) a muppet show tee, some glittery red leg warmers, lots of earrings! a braclet, a necklace. All in a good days shop! sadly marks and spensers was not open so i couldnt get another bra that fits me :(
Anyway..
Yeah, its been good. And ive been on the booze!
I went out on friday for chinese when college finished like I said I would, which was really good fun and really nice!
and then on the night I went out with all my boy mates to the bay horse which was really good fun! there was hollando (back from uni at paisley, near glasgow), thomas (back from down south in london) david, mik, and then later we were joined by james, a drunken sallie and even later phil! we played darts (which i was crap at) and pool (which I was also crap at) but it was a laugh! arrrrrr although i did lose one of my earrings which aby gave me for christmas :( so i was a tad on the gutted side!
weeeellll
i think thats about all you need to know for a catch up at the mo
Im on the alcopops! something i havent done for years! eeeeeee teenager drinker that i am. still, birthday + party soon soooo i can legally get wrecked!
Im going out on thursday again :)
later days!
luuuuuu x x x

Jack frost

2006-12-20T09:48:15Z

Its the 20th of december and 5 days to go until christmas!
When i left the house this morning it looked magical. My path, and the road were completely covered in frost that sparkled in the early morning light and reminded me of icing sugar, as though someone had just sprinkled it all over the town. It made me smile, I love cold winter mornings like this.
When air escapes your mouth like smoke because it is so incredibly cold. When you have to sit infront of the fire with a hot cup of tea just so you can get warm. I absolutely love it.
I remember when I was younger when my ma used to say "oh, looks like jack frost came to visit last night" and Id get so excited imagining a little elf-like man covering the ground with silver sparkles and warning me that christmas was just around the corner. And now it is.
Sooo now lets get down to the craic.
We're going for chinese on friday to celebrate the end of the term. It should be good but at the same time Im a bit annoyed, because of some dirty first years.
We invited square (good friend) and squares lover. Squares lover then told a load of first year friends and we thought they were all going to come too so we booked a table just incase we couldnt eat. Then
Square told me yesterday that his lover hadnt told everyone about it and it was david who had told the ginger boy who asked me about it on the bus last week. So I was like.. fair dues, Louise was booking a table anyways to make sure we could eat there. Then
Louise overheard square + lover talking on the bus home last night and they were talking about the whole chinese thing and squares lover was all "Ive invited lots of people but I dont think any of them are going now because they dont love me" and then some random boy said "I heard they were booking a table so only they can sit there" - I dont know how he found that out but he did somehow. So square replied "Lucy didnt know how many people were going so she just booked for 10 people" the liar. I didnt book anyways louise did. Anyway they were looking over at our table and giving us funny looks this morning. I was soooo tempted to say something but I never. I might though if they keep on doing it today.
Mmmm so yes. Right now Im sat in the atrium attempting english coursework although im having a mental block at the moment. I had a really nice hash brown sandwich for breakfast. Did I mention it was nice? anyways.. im sure you wanted to know that.
So now im off.. to actually do some work. Ill keep you informed on the happenings
christmas cheer and all that malarky,
Lulu x

Worries, pills and changes

2006-12-17T22:15:51Z

Alot has happened in the past few weeks some of which I havent bothered writing about because its a bit personal, but now Ive decided I might as well let it all out.
Ive already discussed my situation with the pill, but I didnt mention that a week today me and andrew had a bit of a slip with a condom.. ooer.. but lets just say, before it was too late.
A stupid girl also spread a rumour I was pregnant because of me coming off the pill and doing a test, she told people at college that I had come off the pill because it was a placebo and that I did a test and i was pregnant which obv is not true. And some people, who might I add must have been out of their minds asked me what the results of the test where when I told them the true story, to which i replied "If I was pregnant I would be a tad more distort, dont you think?"
So basically, that girl, just wanted to stir some shit about me when she didnt know the full story! some people arent worth the trouble, she obviously had nothing exciting happening in her life if she wanted to delve into mine!
Arrrrrrr...
This gossip also meant a small disagreement between andrew and i which I did not enjoy to say the least! But anyway, thats all in the past and everything is good now. I went to the doctors again on friday and got another test and then got some more pills.. so im back on the pill now and im feeling a bit shit because of it but in the end its worth it I think. I hate feeling vunerable like I have done for the past month or so!
I went skiing on saturday, it was dead good! for training before i go away with andrew and family in february! exciting stuff :)
Ive been making lots of earrings recently! button ones, gingerbread ones, ladybird ones, and the newest additions - dominoes :)
eee well theres more goss but im absolutely exhausted
Until I awake with decent things to say :)
lulu x x x x

bruised and abused

2006-12-11T23:06:37Z

Welll today has been a weird day.
I woke up feeling so incredibly depressed and upset, but I have no idea why.
I went to the doctors to try and find out whats wrong with me - because of the tonisilitous almost abscess that I had in october. It turns out my tonsils and glands are still big, even though they dont hurt anymore. The doctor couldnt seem to work out why! Was quite amusing.. like.. the expert in a state of confusion. And me - some unsolved mystery. I also found it a tad on the ironic side, it being me and all.
He asked me abuot my glandular fever results and I told him that they came back negative. He sat stroking his chin thoughtfully for a bit longer and then said I should have some more blood tests (great) The woman proper bruised my arm as well because she didnt do it properly! esssh
He also told me my haemoglobin saturation is a bit lower than normal. probably due to the fact that I dont eat meat. And that I might want to consider having my tonsils out :|
Im also a tad worried because...

I came off the pill
My immediate period came
A month and a bit on and my next period hasnt arrived yet
Ive done a preggers test to be sure - it came back negative
But im worried still incase something has gone wrong
Ive never wanted my period so badly
Why did I ever come off the pill in the first place?

Sooo.. that was the start to the day. Tea/coffee free was great with the girlies - we do it every monday 4th period. I love having a little chat with the girls now and again. It really cheers me up especially on days like today!
Weelll there isnt much to write really, just thought I would inform you of my trip to the doctors. I have to go back to see the doctor in about two weeks to see if my tonsils have gone down and what my blood results tell me! but that will be after christmas now :O:O
OMG CHRISTMAS!! I CANNOT WAIT AT ALL!
I have wrapped some presents already!
Annnnd only 9 more days at college! ( 14 days in all til crimbo day)
We're having chinese on the last day of college as well so that should be good
Eee well look at the time I must be off!
Until the near future,
Lu x

the witching hour

2006-12-10T00:07:47Z

so its 15 to 12 and im absolutely worn out! just thought I would leave a little blog, since i havent written in a while and I felt like updating before i disappeared for my beauty sleep! Andrew said something tonight and it made me think about how people perceive me as a person. He said that I never look scum, like I just cant be bothered. But the truth is, when he said that, I was exactly in that state.. and it seemed he couldnt see it. So this brought a question to mind - in society of today, do we judge ourselves too harshly? I have to say.. I think so. Theres so much pressure on looking good, being skinny, being 'fit', keeping up with fashion, that maybe we forget who we are and care more about what others think. I have to admit, I think I fit in that catagory easily, Im too easily moved by what other people think and say about me.
Anyway enough of this silly deep stuff that makes no sense what so ever!
Ive had yet another good weekend, considering that I didnt think last weekend could be topped.
Last weekend
I went to Alishas house for a 'couples' night. Andrew obv. came with me, and then there was also david & jen, sarah & herd and of course Alisha & Stephen. It was fabulous, and I was so wrecked off my head it was a laugh. I cant remember much of what we talked about but we all bonded to the max and some funny shizzle went down. On the way back at like 1 in the morning we dumped a huge binbag of bottles in a field randomly, and i got covered in mud because i walk like a spazz. I stopped at Andrews house that night, and lets just say, I didnt sleep much..
I spent saturday recovering, and doing work, and shopping. I also had a few hours kip accidently - which I was rather annoyed at considering I was trying to watch columbo! I absolutely love that program soooo much, if youve never watched it, youre missing out. Its about a detective (columbo) who everyone thinks is proper stupid and ignorant, but then he solves all these crimes and is like HA in your face! hes brill. And just because its an old program noone gives it a chance! anyway... moving on... after my few hours kip, i got ready and then went to liz's house for a girly sleepover including the kj crew, who i hardly get to see. Once again it was brilliant, and proves you dont need alcohol to have fun! we danced, and sung, and messed around, and mocked each other, and most importantly laughed and smiled. A good night was had by all. We didnt sleep til about 3 or 4 or something as well so by sunday i was well out of it!
This weekend
Went around andrews on friday again, played darts (surprisingly I was winning for most of the game, and he thought i was cheating since i had to do the maths!) and I ended up staying the night. Snuggled up in his bed and fell asleep together :)
Then today I went down town with David to try and finish off my crimbo shopping. I didnt get it completed but Ive knocked a few people off the list now :D. I cant believe hes spent like £50 on his girlfriends crimbo present when theyve been going out for like a total of 2 months! eee. Ive been with andrew almost 10 months now, and ive spent half the amount of money, and only because i realised he'd need something else with what I already had purchased! its mad. David spent like over £130 on his last gfs crimbo present as well!
Anyway.. after our little mooch, I copped a lift home with my parents who were picking up my little sis from my ex place of work anyway (she has my job now, UNLUCKY!!) and came home for some tea, which might I add, was lovely. My pa's pasta sauce on a jacket potato with cheese! mmmm! scrumcious!
Then I went up to andrews for a bit again. He was well out of it, so I was looking after him. Its nice just to chill sometimes, and not have to do anything. That was like tonight really. I feel completely relaxed around him its unreal. Which leads me to now.. just after I got a lift home in his racing green, petrol-smelling, checkered interior mini.
Im content. And I hope it stays that way.

College breaks up for christmas in 2 weeks! I cannot wait so badly, its unbelievable. Need to get invites sorted for my 18th birthday celebrations as well. oooooh! the excitement.
Well I can hardly keep my eyes open now, so I reckon its time for me to say goodnight, and adios amigos!
Keeping you informed with unimportant information,
Lucy bax x x

Youve been claimed! HOLLA!

2006-11-26T17:42:22Z

Oh my god. So much good craic in so little time!
The title is in relation to the happenings of tuesday the 21st of this month. We were all at college, sat in the common room (or the room of commoners as I like to call it) and louise asked me to go with her to get some food. I stood up and noticed a 20p on the floor near my chair so I picked up and said "thats been claimed". Louise laughed at this, and then we walked towards the canteen part and she ducked down and I was like "what on earth is she doing?" she stood back up and mimicked me, "Thats been claimed" but instead of a measley 20p she presented a pound coin to me. I was quite jelous haha. But then... I also found a pound :O and another 30p! God, I was so rich. Just from not even a minutes walk from our table. Absolutely class.
Had some shit this week because of me and my big mouth and also people spreading stuff around. Needless to say, I wasnt very happy.. and I dont know who spread it. But in the end theres no point dwelling on things like that, especially because they push other people away, that mean alot to you. So Ive dropped it. The 'mature' thing to do.
Had a rather good weekend :) Went to Ikea yesterday. I was so excited but actually it was a bit of a let down when we actually had a look around. I didnt hardly see anything that I wanted to purchase :( and the one thing I did want to, was faulty!!! :|
I went out and got ABSOLUTELY SLAUGHTERED on saturday night. Oh my god. I could hardly walk properly, and i was wrecked by 6pm. Had to pretend I was sober. Poo. But all in all, a good night. Slept at andrews as well which was good.
Got monday and tuesday off this week! woooo yeah. So, tomorrow Ill be buying crimbo presents at the metro centre, and then tuesday probably lots of college work!
I reckon thats all I have to write really, apart from the fact that I am having a birthday party, and I cant wait!
Sayonara
Lulu x x

The funniest week in history

2006-11-01T10:20:25Z

Sooo Im back at college and this week has been rather eventful so far!
Monday -
A complete day of people ripping me to absolute shreds. Luke told some girl I fancied her (when I didnt, since im not that way inclined) and she sat next to me. I had to tell her "Look, Im not that way inclined!!!!" which made me sound like I was desperate or something. And then he told a boy he fancied him which was hilarious. The boy was like "Good for you" and luke kept blowing him kisses and the like and he looked so uncomfortable! I also got told that I was fat by James Clarey for eating a cheese sandwich (I deserved it since I kind of said he was dead inside) and that I had a funny shaped head by luke, and that I also smell... by luke. And that was Monday.

Tuesday -

Wasnt as bad as monday. Although I did get the pee taken out of me because apparently I talk like an American. So everything I said was repeated in an American accent. I also had bottles thrown at me because luke and james were on the energy drinks and canny hyper. James decided he was going to drink using his feet and succeeded (the nutcase). The bus journey home was incredibly awkward due to Carl and Paterson and Alisha. harrr.

Wednesday -

Welll its today and ive only just started and already its hilarious!
Bus journey was good craic with louise. Fell up the stairs whilst Jess was telling about her first aid adventure which was rather a coincidence since I needed first aid! harrr before this incident I had been to my locker to put all my art stuff away, when a note fell out. I was rather shocked at a note beig in my locker in the first place, but I read it and it was even more shocking! it said:
"Hi, ok first of all I cant believe how hard this is lol, ive noticed u around n I think ur fit as fook putting it bluntly. Erm well u must think im a bit of a dik for putting this threw ur locker but im not im a lad sorry, tell me to fuk off I will but dont bother trying to hit me im only in college for a yer then goin in the parachute regiment lol. :) or :(

Text me (number here)"

Sooo i was a tad confused but also thought that maybe I had a secret admirer!
I told Jess and she decided she should text him. (This was after I fell up the stairs and we were in the library) He replied shock horror, as I thought maybe a friend had played a prank on me. However... things took another turn. He was looking for a boy! So no secret admirer for me. Well.. .A gay one. Bless his socks. Harrr. I laughed. I might possibly have a gay friend now woooo what a girl always wants! shopping sprees etc etc etc. Anyway. Since Ive wasted this lesson laughing and non stop talking about nothing much, I better go and actually do some work (that is write a few words and save)

Until a later date
(with hopefully more decent things to write!)
Lulu x x

pessimisticpixi @ 2006-10-24T20:53:00

2006-10-24T20:15:44Z

Weeellll its tuesday. And Im half way through my half term week.
Last week I came down with something, and I still have it. Except now I know what it is Im even more down. Yeah yeah, the doctor said its tonisilitis, it could just go away with the help of penicillin, apart from he did say, if it didnt get any better or got worse in the next 24hours I would have to go back and possibly have an operation as it could be 'quinsy' , an abscess which they would need to drain. Marvelous, I thought.
And guess what, it hasnt got any better. I had the worst nights sleep in a week last night when I finally had medication. So I guess that means Ill be back tomorrow.. and I dread to think past that.
I also have tonnes of college work to do so Im a bit stressed at when Im going to do that since I have hardly any energy at all at current, and it all has to be done by the end of the week. Boo ya. Ive also already missed quite alot of social gatherings/outings etc so Im not very impressed. Socialising keeps my spirits up and I havent been able to do much of that in the past week either. Especially when hardly anyone can understand me.
Arrrrr up side?
Umm.. resting? I guess, the job interview today? at fat face. I really hope I get that job. It would be fabulous.
Im just really annoyed at how I cant hardly eat anything, regardless of what I fancy or whatever. And the pain in my ear brings me to tears literally, other pain I can handle... just not ear pains.
Andrew came around to see me last night and brought milkshake, chocolate and NME with him. Which was nice. Of course - i cant eat the chocolate, but it will serve its purpose for a later date. Ive missed him as well cos of this silly thing. Just hanging out and stuff. Arrr well I guess I should be off sleeping now, try and get better :)
Ill be back (hopefully without a fat face)
Until then,
au revoir x x

pessimisticpixi @ 2006-10-16T22:36:00

2006-10-16T21:49:43Z

Welll Im back. Again. A lot has changed since yesterday
Im really really incredibly annoyed at a few people. Making me feel like they dont care about seeing us anymore.... like they cant be bothered to make an effort. So neither am I. Im not going to try anymore. And im going to vent my anger by screaming AAARRGGHHH at louise tomorrow morning haha!
Sooo what has happened today? hmmm let me see.
Early morning start at college even though there was no need since I have a double morning free but nevermind...
Went for our usual coffee/tea ( or in this case milkshake) break at arcadia café with Alisha and Aby :) was lovely as always, a little girly chat to take your mind off the stresses of college and such.
The funniest biology lesson ever took place today as well! In this day and age we couldnt go out and actually use samping techniques such as quadrats, so instead they made us some paper fields with streams and stuff in them with pieces of different colour paper and beads and pompom type thingies which represented plants of different kinds hahahaha... and mini quadrats made out of straws... OH MY GOD... so much effort went into making them its unbelievable. Me and my biology crew laughed so hard. Not just at that, but at the strange girl in my biology class who gets excited over biology. She cracked me up too. Wow It was ace. And all topped off by the fact that im going up in biology :D woooooo. Im getting brainy ner ner ner ner ner! (how mature?) well Ive been doing textiles all night making pieces for my dress which has to be in and finished in about 2 weeks and now Im just chillin, relaxin, and acting all cool and watching without a trace :D wow. Welllll Im most probably off now. Hopefully at some point Ill right some possibly decent on here. Maybe. Hopefully. Well until then... or at least, until later days...
Lu x x x

pessimisticpixi @ 2006-10-15T21:55:00

2006-10-15T21:09:20Z

Wellll Im back again!
It has been a while like. Things are still fabulous my lovelies! If not more so.
Last night was Blenky's 18^th birthday party. Was well good, even though his relatives gave me some incredibly dirty looks when I walked in the door. Leah was absolutely wrecked off her head bless her! And me and louise (and andrew) were dancing alot to lots of oldie tracks. I cant believe that there was also a bucking bronto there! needless to say, I didnt ride it. Especially due to the fact I was wearing a skirt and did NOT want the whole party to see my pants! Louise did though. And leah. And even andrew came round to the idea at the end, and then he couldnt get enough!
I was extremely impressed with Paterson's dancing. Fair dues - it was rather square, but Ive never seen him dance before. Ive never seen this out going side of him, apart from at the party last night. I reckon I respect him so much more now because of that side I saw last night, as stupid as it may sound. I had a few drinks as well, but I didnt get drunk. Didnt feel like it anyway but also I wanted to be able to have a laugh with moose (louise; who doesnt drink).
Ive had a really good weekend! Andrew also said some things last night which were incredibly warm.. and I dont know, I didnt expect them at all. Im so touched! That made me happy as well. Soooo as a result Ive been hyper today! woooo! Hardly got any work done at all... which is noooot good. But Im not in the right mind set now. Im still ready to party on down!
Half term soon woooo! And yet another party and sleepover next weekend as well! God dont I feel popular!
Im on top of the world, lets hope it stays that way
Later days,
x x x Lu x x x

**Its true..I have demons inside me.. and sometimes they need to speak..**